Chapter 2 : Bathroom Party

My knees remain in tact to subsequently so does that woman's face. Nothing to report there.

I missed out the trip to the Bridge over the River Kwai and the Death Railway earlier. I'll sum it up as it remains in the memory: Brief and Boring.

Got a bus to the bridge. It was a bridge. It rained. A lot. Then we went to a 'waterfall'. Apparently all you have to do to create a tourist attraction is find a big rock and pour some water over it. Because that's all it was. A big fat fake. A big fat phoney. You could even see and hear the pipes pumping the water out over the rock. Fantastic. Then onto the Death Railway train where I managed to get sat next to a stereotypical geeky American yokel. Complete with two lazy eyes, a stupid southern gulping laugh and a haircut i can only assume was created by 'momma'. So that was fun.

- Awe inspiring view of the River Kwai and bridge? No - Natural waterfall? No - Fear on the Death Railway? No - Worth going? Maybe - If only to get out of Bangkok for a day.

But then the night train to Chiang Mai came a few days later. That's where the fun, the partying and the experience all started. The spur of the moment decision to go to Chiang Mai turned out to be the best decision I've made in a long time.

Got on the train early. One of the first people on. Sat down on my little bed in a booth of four and started laying out my books, iPod and essentials for a long, sleepy journey ahead. Then in came a seven foot gangly Dutch guy - who a week later i finally managed to remember the name of: Erwin. But i named him 'Lek', which is Thai for 'little'. I don't think he minded. He didnt have a choice. He was very energetic and used a lot of hand movements and gestures when speaking. The usual: Where are you from? What are you doing in Thailand? etc. And the old gem that never fails with blokes - football. Ajax fan. Never heard of York City. So yes, the usual. Then on came our two other 'roomies'. They wandered over nervously. One said 'Hi' and then sat on the phone (Andy) and the other (Vinz) was eventually, and judging by the look on his face - begrudgingly, forced to speak to us. Germans. The Germans are here. But i gauged that it was probably too soon to start with the inevitable war jokes so again the usual small talk ensued. Bayer Munich fans. Wow these people are all so imaginitive. The train set off and eventually started to quieten down. We sat and discussed the usual bullshit happily until the sound of two loud, enthusiastic girls bellowed through the cabin. They had to be American. They were. And when the wandered into our booth complaining that everyone was asleep and didnt want to party, it became clear which part of America they were from. Two smokin' hot party girls from Californ.I.A. To be polite and to let the rest of the train sleep we agreed to go find the louge with them. Turned out the lounge was a pretty decent sized bar with dimmed lights, loud music and plenty of beer. This was we. We had made it. So me and Lek joined the San Fran bitches in the pursuit of total inebriation. Though it appeared they girls were already way ahead of us in those stakes. The Germans however, don't drink beer. Two Bavarians - the beer capital of the world - who don't drink beer. Vinz doesn't drink at all, and Andy doesn't like the taste of beer. What? Oh ok.. The girls - Lauren & Shannon - decided it was time to get the party swinging so danced down the aisle trying to get everybody else up dancing. Nobody bit. Everyone was having a nice time sat chatting over a few beers. That wasn't good enough for the party girls though. They decided the music was the problem. So after a few batted eyelashes and lowering of cleavages they persuaded the barman to put Shannon's iPod on the sound system. On full volume. Everyone having their nice conversations could no longer do so. They didn't look happy. But the girls were... not oblivious, that's not the right word.. not bothered would be more like it. Shameless. Completely shameless. But at that moment - as they danced down the aisle - I realised that maybe shameless isn't such a bad thing. They didn't care. They were having fun. And sure enough - as is testament to their infectious natures and also probably a lot down to their looks - within half an hour they had the whole cabin up dancing. Even the couple who five minutes earlier had complained to the attendant about the loud music and the annoying girls, ended up on their feet. The motto ' If you can't beat them, join them' was in full swing that night. As was the party. Train party. But then BANG. 11 o'clock.

Music off. Lights on. No more party. Bed time. No, no, no. Not now it isn't. Our party was just beginning. My tongue-in-cheek suggestion to move the party to teh toilets was taken, well, literally.. So me, Lek, Lauren, Shannon, Andy and two French guys (one of whom was a pretty impressive magician - but still French unfortunately) paraded down through the cabin (most likely waking everybody up in the process) and into the bathroom. Aided by speakers and some beer from Shannon's bag we created a bathroom party. People getting up in the night to use the toilet had to enter our smokey, drunken, dancing bathroom party. With dub-step music on so loud I imagine nobody slept on that train that night.
We were shameless, we probably annoyed a lot of people in the process but guess what? We had fun. We had a 'dance party' in the toilets of a train going the length of Thailand. And it one of the best nights I've ever had. And Vinz, who had gone to bed when the prospect of us partying in the bathroom arose, had missed it all purely because he didn't want to ruffle anybody's feathers. And he missed a damn good night.How many people can say they've danced on the sinks and toilets on a train, thousands of miles from home?

I can.

Chapter 1 : A Big Sweaty City

I came away with every intention of writing this everyday. Like a big girl with a big gay diary. However after nearly 3 weeks I until now have failed to record anything of interest to anything except my hazy, inebriated brain (or what, after years of cannabis and alcohol abuse, is left of it.) But as I sit on this night train - freezing cold night train - waiting to depart from the beautiful gateway town that is Surat Thani, I thought i should make a start. This is not due to my overwhelming desire to write a big gay diary, but simply because this train was supposed to be a 'sleeper' train. Complete with beds and curtains, and at least some form of heat. But it is not. No bed. No curtains (which in turn bring privacy - and the small child running and screaming in the aisle next to me is testament to the lack of this.) But this is Thailand. And Thailand does exactly the opposite of what it says on the tin. Air Conditioned = Fan. Clean = Dirty. Lady = Boy. Etc.. But oh well, back we go to my favourite place in the whole world: Bangkok. For what is already the third, and hopefully final, time.

--- I was just about to make a comment about the plate of food I've been handed and say how much nicer it looked than our English train and plane food. Then i spotted the fish-eye staring at me from the curry. And oh look I'm sharing my seat with a cockroach. There's an added bonus. Maybe he's desert for after my fish-face main course.---

Anyway I've put my Michelin Star dinner to one side so i may as well see if my for once clear head can remember the first 3 weeks of Thailand...

I arrived in Bangkok after a day and a half of travelling from London. Via Mumbai - note to self: do not place India high on list of places to visit - into a busy metropolitan airport that aside from the majority of skin colours, could have been Heathrow. No scrap that, it was exactly like Heathrow. Then a taxi across town - through the bright lights - to Silom and Lub D (My hostel). Welcome to the other side of the world! Or not. Big bar serving a selection of local Thai drinks: Heineken, Smirnoff Ice, Lipton's Ice Tea etc. Six computers with free internet access. Electronic room keys. Decor like a trendy New York hot-spot and a big stainless-steel and marble bathroom with hot power showers and frosted glass doors. All traditional Thai features i presume..
So after reassuring myself that I hadn't just spent 36hours travelling to the Premier Inn on the A64 I decided to go introduce myself to the people in my dorm. Oh. Empty. Ok well back down to the bar and outside for a beer and a smoke. Half way down the beer and the jet-lag began to kick in - well, that and the fact that a Scouser turned up and started speaking to me. - So I decided to retire to bed and wake up early in the morning to go explore. Early for me in England is anything before 11am. But it turns out my body decided it liked 4am more. As it did the next day. And the day after that. Stupid body clock.
So Bangkok was... different. Nice people in my hostel, if a little crazy and free spirited due to the months of life on the road. but as for Bangkok as a place, not for me. Too hot (No sunshine, just a hell of a lot of sweat), too busy and just too much of a big fat city.

-- Oh good my train's decided to set off now. 10.17pm. Supposed departure time = 8.41. Not bad by Thai standards --

Some nice sights in Bangkok, bust also alot of not so nice sights in Bangkok. I have never seen and smelled so many cars before. Traffic everywhere. All day long. So no, Bangkok - not for me. So I decided to get the 13hour sleeper train up north to Chiang Mai. This train was actually a sleeper train complete with beds and curtains but as it transpired, not so much sleeping..

Turns out my current train isn't the steadiest so therefor not the best for writing on. So I will have to continue another day. But at least I have started on my big gay diary. Time for some music and maybe to finish the crap book i started reading only this morning. It''s been a long day of sitting and waiting. Surat Thani - I'd recommend it to anyone. Beautiful Place. (I hope my sarcasm comes across in text format).Goodnight. Or as the French say: "We surrender"


--Note-- What's the point in giving people blankets and turning the lights off so people will go to sleep, if there are still stops coming up where people are going to get on and climb all over you? And don't believe it when people say all Thai people are really friendly because it's not true. Some are just fucking rude. And if this bitch infront of me tries to break my knees again, I'm going to b r e a k h e r f u c k i n g f a c e.